| Lex:
I'm gonna wear off-white [to my wedding].
Me: ... shouldnt you be wearing red? :x
Lex: I'm a slut, not a communist.
Erik: I dunno, I hear your vagina is pretty much the public
property of the entire proletariat.
Me: I've decided
that I need to be president. Write me in.
Lex: Psht. Like I'd ever be stupid enough to vote for a woman.
Me: Well, I'd say write Erik in, but he'd turn our country commie.
Lex: Also, I just said I'd never vote for a woman.
Erik:
Can I have sex with you for a dollar?
Lex: Psht. No way a dollar will cover the cost of my post-Erik antibiotics.
Erik: I'll pull out, I swear. :)
Lex: That's older than your mom.
Erik: And has resulted in more kids and STDs than your mom.
Lex: Ouch. That hurt. Just like the herpes I got from your mom.
Erik: Ooh, burn. Just like the USS Lincoln got from your mom.
Lex: Sailors, eh? Speaking of...talked to any of your possible fathers
lately?
Erik: Yes, almost every one of them asks how you're doing, and wonders
if their kids are doing alright.
| Fabulous
Lexisms
"The dogs
keep eating my fucking panties and I am unamused. I spend too much on my ass coverings
for them to be doggy chewtoys, for christ's sake."
"I'd kick
Erick in the genitals, but that's sort of like kicking God. Not in that I think
they're both glorious, but in that I'm not sure if either really exists."
"I'd boink
Al Gore."
"::GAYS
UP THE WHOLE UNIVERSE::"
"I'm gonna
make you loofa my oompa."
"Lissa,
you are such a flaming buttplug!"
"I'm gonna
go eat my weight in hummus then pass out in a chickpea-induced coma."
"If he isn't
worshipping the ground I walk on, he's useless to me."
"I wonder
if 164th trimester abortions are legal... "
"I totally
just accidentally vacuumed my crotch."
"Jon's tip-toeing
through the tulips again."
"She's Queen
Fucktard. She's Fucky McTard, commander in chief of the Dumbshit Brigade."
"I get to
reset the vagina every 2000 miles."
"I have never
given anyone SCABS on their NETHER REGION without their consent. I win."
"Dave has
warped the entire fabric of my penis universe."
"AleXXXis
Cobra: Tard Slayer."
"I've rubbed
my bare crotch on the monitor..."
"That's probably
why my back hurts. 'Dr. Thomas? I was trying to put my bellybutton on my tits...'"
"Hey hey
hey. My Virginia O'Keefe was not the home of his yam."
"I always
wanted to go there. And have sex with some turtles."
"I love
you like I love Willy Wonka. Hard, and in the ass."
"Angry, angry hippos would be a very fun game. You just hit the other players
with a giant plastic pachyderm. " |
Lex:
Best Spam ever: ALEXIS, BREAK WALLS WITH YOUR COCK.
Me:
::::dies:::
Lex: So many things wrong with that....I mean...I don't even know where
to start.
Me: Make a list!
Lex: 1 - I do not have a cock. 2 - I do not own any walls, and do
not believe in destroying the property of others. 3 - If I had a cock and
a wall, why would I want to destroy my wall? 4 - Wouldn't that hurt?
5 - Penis! = Sledgehammer.
Me: that is the best list. ever.
Lex: I wonder if the mail's in yet... My penis enlargment pills will be
here any day now. I have some home remodelling to do. :D
Erik:
I didn't have any bulk unwrapped sausage
(shut up), so I had to take a big sausage (shut up) from the fridge and slit the
wrapping and squeeze the insides out of it (SHUT UP).
Lex: Don't you have some sausage to be fondling?
Erik: Typing one-handed, baby.
Lex: Mmm...BILE. :D
Erik: My other hand is wrist-deep in blenderized pig.
Me: :::coughs up six Indians and a cactus:::
Lex: ..................................
Me: :::has been eating Arizona:::
Lex: Where's all the retired white people?
Me: :::coughs up retired old white guy::: There he goes.
Lex: SWEET! Where the canyon? :X
Me: How do you eat a big hole?
Me: SHUT UP, BTW.
Lex: I ALWAYS MANAGE WITH YOUR MOM.
Lex: (Erik would be so proud.)
Me: Yes. Yes he would.
Erik: I HOPE THE RETARDS EAT YOU.
Lex: They will, if I position myself over them just right.
Someone: living christian, dead christian,
whats the difference?
Lex: One makes a lot less noise than the other during the stuffing and
cooking process.
Lex:
His wang is covered in cobwebs.
Me:
I would tell him that but he might cry.
Lex:
LOL.
Me:
but I guess cobwebs is better than "atrophied off"
Lex: Between you and heather,
it's pointless to ever get dressed.
Erik: That's the best
sentence ever to be typed.
Lissa: jesus doesn't have a cooter.
Lex:
He has a man-cooter.
Jon: ::wonders what that would look like::
Me:
I wont bother replying to that.
Lex:
Holy of course.
Lex:
(I am so going to hell.)
Me:
... and to my quote page.
Lex:
Come see "Saw" with me on Friday.
Me: Nuh-uh. Go with Erik.
Lex: Dude, I don't need him whacking off to
the gore while I'm trying to concentrate.
Stupid Girl: you people can call me whatever
the fuck you want..
Lex: Dibs on "load that should have been swallowed".
Lex: ::puts article
on female circumcision in envelope, addresses to Heather:: In some social circles,
this would be considered unusual.
Erik: It's not unusual unless you're including a clit in the envelope.
Lex: I vomit up fetus
a lot... I need to remember to chew them better.
Jon: they should start pushing that as a form of birth control... "fetus-deletus-and-then-have-Lex-eat-us"
Erik: Chimp smoothies are the best.
Lex: Yeah...you gotta shave the chimp first, though, and that's a pain...
Erik: I get a special little thrill out of it.
Lex: I just buy canned.
Lissa: Why do you have pubes
in your mouth?
Lex: Because your mom is shedding.
Lex: I have to pee so
bad. My kidneys are tunnelling
out of my back. Hey, watch the spine, boys.
Me: O_o
Lex: I know. I never should have given them those pick-axes.
Me: I was just informed
that dispite the fact I'm Libertarian, my bellybotton is a commie.
Lex: Really? My nipples are socialists.
Me: cool, they should chill with my navel sometime
Me: :::imagines that::: errr.... or not.
Lex: ....wow. We could charge money for that.
Me: indeed.
Lex: Nipple-Navel sex. The wave of the future.
Lissa: ::on page 10 of 11 [of essay]::
Lex: ::on your mom::
Erik: Tumors can grow teeth.
Lex: I love it when you call babies tumors.
Erik: If you can think of a single differentiating feature, I'll eat my
hat.
Lex: I have no desire to fuck a tumor.
Me: Jon bought me a stuffed
hippo!
Lex: How sweet. Nothing says romance like a big, gassy, foul-smelling, water
hog.
Me: but... but... he's purple and fuzzy!
Lex: Correction: nothing says romance like a big, gassy, foul-smelling
pimp.
Lissa: I have to go make a urine deposit
now.
Lex: Make a withdrawl for me.
Erik: *anally rapes small
children*
Lex: Look, I already said we could fuck, you can stop trying to woo me
now.
Me: Why is the pretty jewelry the expensive
kind?
Lex: Supply and demand. No one wants my earrings made of snot and tampons. |