Freeway Driving

I hate freeway drivers.  Yes, all of them.  You included.

I hate you with the IQ so low you can't figure out how to work your turn signal.  It's not that hard.  It doesn't require much energy.  Learn it, fucktard.  Especially if you think that using your mirrors is optional.  The rest of us sane people need to know how to look out for idiots like you.  So warn us, please.  With a nice blinking light.

I hate you who speeds up behind cars at 100 miles per hour and then slams on the brakes every five seconds.  You're being counterproductive and wasting gas and wearing your brakes in the process.  Plus, you know, that danger stuff.  Oh yeah and BRAKE LIGHTS CAUSE SLOW TRAFFIC, TARD.  That's why you're driving like a maniac to begin with, right?

I hate you who doesn't like my speed yet refuses to pass me.  Don't tailgate me, stupid.  Go around.  It's not that hard.  This is the fast lane, not the break-the-sound-barrier lane.

I hate you who doesn't know the difference between the fast lane and the slow lane.  Don't go 35 in the fast lane.  I don't go 35 in the fast lane.  Hell, I don't even go the speed limit in the fast lane.  There's a reason it's called the fast lane.  If you're going to drive the same speed as the slow lane, then GET IN THE SLOW LANE.

I hate you who thinks talking on his cell phone isn't causing him to drive like a drunk.  Did you someone not notice that you just almost rear-ended someone and that you keep drifting into the lane to your left?  Did your conversation drown out the honking?

I hate you who can't stay a consistant speed but rather alternates between 80 and 50 for no reason at all.  Pick a speed and stick with it, man.  Use frickin' cruise control.  Gawd.  This isn't rocket science.

I hate you with the Big-Truck-Small-Penis who tailgates me at 85 miles per hour with a smug look on his face.  GO AROUND.  And don't think I don't know about your microscopic dick.

I hate you who boxes me in and then plays oblivious when I frantically try to make my offramp in time.  Yes, you see me.  You're just too damn selfish to slow down or speed up a little.  Screw you, asshat.

I hate you with the woofer more powerful than your four-cylinder lawnmower engine.  You think you're cool?  Are you really that off in space?  Your car sounds like the Jetsons'.

I hate you people who rubberneck at everything.  Okay, so maybe it's human nature to slow down and look at two upside down cars.  It is not human nature to slow down and look at a lady getting a ticket, a guy changing his tire or -- gawd forbid -- a piece of trash in the emergency lane.  Stupidity and human nature are not the same things.

I hate you, teenage girl who is so busy fixing her hair, applying makeup and chatting on the cellphone with the boyfriend of the minute that she doesn't realise she's nearly hit six cars within the last ten minutes.

I hate you who brakes when no one is in front of you.  If you don't like your current speed, take your damn foot off the damn gas pedal.  Do not slam on the brakes, man.  Oy vey.