me:  Here, I finally made you a quote page. It's small. But soon it'll grow.
Erik: I've said that to many a woman before.

Erik: BUTTSEX.
Erik: BU-BU-BU-BU-BUTTSEX.

me: I went to this truly awful bar today and thought of you.
erik: Hah! Why was it so bad?
me: It had sawdust on the floor. It had three beers on tap: coors, bud, miller. And they sold corona in the bottle. And that was it on the drinks; nothing else, of any beer-or-liquor variety.
erik: You fucking whore, you should know me better than to be reminded of me when in a bar with three macrobrews on tap.
me: Oh, I know you're a beersnob. It was the seediness that reminded me of you. And the lonely, alcoholic old men.

me: Goodnight Erik. Goodluck to-morrow. MAKE SOME FUCK.
erik: Pfft. I'm me. I'll find some way to fuck it up. :D
me: Yeah, I know. But I can try to sound encouraging.

Erik: I want to have sex with morons.
me: Morons want to have sex with you.
Erik: If that were true, I'd be getting laid from time to time.
me: I was about to suggest you're too picky, but that would lead to all sorts of jokes.
Erik: I'm so not, though.
me: I believe you. :x
Erik: Come here so I can kick your face. :)
me: You love me.
Erik: I do. But there are lots of people I love and want to kick in the face. YOU TOP THE LIST.
me: Ha. I'm number one. I should get a trophy.
Erik: I've got a trophy for you. IN MY PANTS.
me: Pff. I hope you didn't pay for that. I wanted a big trophy.

Lex: I'm gonna wear off-white [to my wedding].
Me: ... shouldnt you be wearing red? :x
Lex: I'm a slut, not a communist.
Erik: I dunno, I hear your vagina is pretty much the public property of the entire proletariat.

Erik: Explaining internet things to my mom is like huffing gasoline and then driving nails into my skull.

Erik: Can I have sex with you for a dollar?
Lex: Psht. No way a dollar will cover the cost of my post-Erik antibiotics.
Erik: I'll pull out, I swear. :)
Lex: That's older than your mom.
Erik: And has resulted in more kids and STDs than your mom.
Lex: Ouch. That hurt. Just like the herpes I got from your mom.
Erik: Ooh, burn. Just like the USS Lincoln got from your mom.
Lex: Sailors, eh? Speaking of...talked to any of your possible fathers lately?
Erik: Yes, almost every one of them asks how you're doing, and wonders if their kids are doing alright.

Erik: I didn't have any bulk unwrapped sausage (shut up), so I had to take a big sausage (shut up) from the fridge and slit the wrapping and squeeze the insides out of it (SHUT UP).
Lex: Don't you have some sausage to be fondling?
Erik: Typing one-handed, baby.
Lex: Mmm...BILE. :D
Erik: My other hand is wrist-deep in blenderized pig.

Erik: God, I need to learn how to remove tattoos from people. In a way that people will pay for.
me: I'd suggest buying a laser, but I don't think I want you owning a laser of any kind. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you owning an optical mouse, even.
Erik: I use a low-powered laser to cut up my wrists!
Erik: <-- FutureGoth
me: Erik as a dermatologist: "Hey, pizzaface. Coming in to get that hideous tattoo removed?"
Patient: "Uh, no, that's a portrait of my son. I'm seeing you about the rash..."
Erik: "Well, if you stopped sleeping around like a whore, that wouldn't happen.... also, can I touch your boob?"
Erik: "Does this mole look cancerous to you?"
"I dunno, but it sure looks ugly."
"Is that bad?"
"What the fuck, do you think 'ugly' could possibly be good?"
"I, well... uh..."
"Well actually if you did, your outfit would make a lot more sense."

Erik: I HOPE THE RETARDS EAT YOU.
Lex: They will, if I position myself over them just right.

Lex: Between you and heather, it's pointless to ever get dressed.
Erik: That's the best sentence ever to be typed.

Lex: ::puts article on female circumcision in envelope, addresses to Heather:: In some social circles, this would be considered unusual.
Erik: It's not unusual unless you're including a clit in the envelope.

Erik: Chimp smoothies are the best.
Lex: Yeah...you gotta shave the chimp first, though, and that's a pain...
Erik: I get a special little thrill out of it.
Lex: I just buy canned.